its so hard not to lie.
i want to.
its the easy thing to do. but those that i love and care for need the truth, they deserve it.
but its scary, i dont get how i lived/live such a normal childhood and life but i lie. how its so easy?
is there something that i am surpressing that makes lying the "best" thing for me?
i lie knowing ill get caught, i lie knowing ill hurt someone, i lie for everything.
i havent lied in a week. maybe a small exagertaion? maybe but nothing huge. i am trying.
i am.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
already messing up?
so i fucked up.
i dont get it. i tell myself that i have a problem and that i need to work on it but then i went back to my old ways?
but i do think i made some progress....when i lie i usually wait until i am caught to admit. then i get defensive and argressive and deny. this time i came clean. hurt like hell. but i felt better knowing i came clean.
definatly does not excuse that what i did was wrong. but shows that i am willing to try. or so i think. im trying.
i hate that i cant say im done lying and it go away. i hate that i have to work at it. but in my eyes im like an addict. it will be something i have to work on every day, every second, every minute.
i need it for all those around.
i have too much too lose but even more to gain.
i dont get it. i tell myself that i have a problem and that i need to work on it but then i went back to my old ways?
but i do think i made some progress....when i lie i usually wait until i am caught to admit. then i get defensive and argressive and deny. this time i came clean. hurt like hell. but i felt better knowing i came clean.
definatly does not excuse that what i did was wrong. but shows that i am willing to try. or so i think. im trying.
i hate that i cant say im done lying and it go away. i hate that i have to work at it. but in my eyes im like an addict. it will be something i have to work on every day, every second, every minute.
i need it for all those around.
i have too much too lose but even more to gain.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Reality Setting In
this is the hardest blog i will ever write......
i am a compulisive liar. according to wiki/google a complusive liar is:
"The defining characteristics of pseudologia fantastica are that, first, the stories told are not entirely improbable and often have some element of truth. They are not a manifestation of delusion or some more intense type of psychosis: upon confrontation, the teller can admit them to be untrue, even if unwillingly. Second, the fabricative tendency is long lasting; it is not provoked by the immediate situation or social pressure as much as it is an innate trait of the personality. Third, a definitely internal, not an external, motive for the behavior can be discerned clinically e.g. long lasting extortion or habitual spousal battery might cause a person to lie repeatedly, without the lying being a pathological symptom.[2] Fourth, the stories told tend toward presenting the liar favorably. For example, the person might be presented as being fantastically brave, knowing or being related to many famous people. Pseudologia fantastica may also present as false memory syndrome, where the sufferer genuinely believes that fictitious events have taken place, regardless that these events are fantasies. The sufferer may believe that he or she has committed superhuman acts of altruism and love or has committed equally grandiose acts of diabolical evil, for which the sufferer must atone, or has already atoned for in his/her fantasies."
as i read more into what a compulsive liar is, it terrified me. made me horribly sick. made me want to lie to myself. but that ends today. with this.
i have hurt a lot of people, i have lost a lot of people. i do not want to be this person anymore. i want to be a trusted partner in my relationship. i want to be a good role model for my children. i want to be the person i know i can be.
the first step.
admitting i am a liar.
i lie.
i am a liar
i lie about stupid things, important things, create things.
i am going to a counceling session august 10. i want to know how i can correct my errors.
from my readings, its treated with intensive medication and therapy. i am ready. a lifetime of lies and i am ready to free myself.
i am a compulisive liar. according to wiki/google a complusive liar is:
"The defining characteristics of pseudologia fantastica are that, first, the stories told are not entirely improbable and often have some element of truth. They are not a manifestation of delusion or some more intense type of psychosis: upon confrontation, the teller can admit them to be untrue, even if unwillingly. Second, the fabricative tendency is long lasting; it is not provoked by the immediate situation or social pressure as much as it is an innate trait of the personality. Third, a definitely internal, not an external, motive for the behavior can be discerned clinically e.g. long lasting extortion or habitual spousal battery might cause a person to lie repeatedly, without the lying being a pathological symptom.[2] Fourth, the stories told tend toward presenting the liar favorably. For example, the person might be presented as being fantastically brave, knowing or being related to many famous people. Pseudologia fantastica may also present as false memory syndrome, where the sufferer genuinely believes that fictitious events have taken place, regardless that these events are fantasies. The sufferer may believe that he or she has committed superhuman acts of altruism and love or has committed equally grandiose acts of diabolical evil, for which the sufferer must atone, or has already atoned for in his/her fantasies."
as i read more into what a compulsive liar is, it terrified me. made me horribly sick. made me want to lie to myself. but that ends today. with this.
i have hurt a lot of people, i have lost a lot of people. i do not want to be this person anymore. i want to be a trusted partner in my relationship. i want to be a good role model for my children. i want to be the person i know i can be.
the first step.
admitting i am a liar.
i lie.
i am a liar
i lie about stupid things, important things, create things.
i am going to a counceling session august 10. i want to know how i can correct my errors.
from my readings, its treated with intensive medication and therapy. i am ready. a lifetime of lies and i am ready to free myself.
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